As they say, almighty is always fair and its true: we just need to react at the moment when he drops our moment. Its we who got to grabb the scene and some really do and some cudnt make it at the right time.am a living example . there is no single work which is not risky!! Some get through the edges and others too get through but on the other side.spiritually, speaking; its been our good deeds perhaps that we are here as human. But who knows?? I cant go for doing good deeds just coz I wanna be a great man in my next birth. Who is bothered about the happiness or pain or tears once he or she is no more here??? Life is no way like dates and months and weeks which will keep on getting back and back so that you got to rectify ur mistakes. Its like gone with the wind only to move ahead and dude clock hands never look back!! I have brutally wasted my life and realized when in no way I could get there again to mend things. I was blessed with some jubilious moments but certain things are so special that u got to work a lot for them. I know dat my life has been somewat like “jannat” if if and only if…it was such a drastic turnaround of events for me that I was never used to take things in bulk which wud for sure affect ur life either ways. I wont be able to get back to terms sooner or lately. Its been the biggest and a huge loss for me. no one is responsible for anything which happened to me rather it was me and only me who made the clouds rain.
It was really a lesson yet again making me regret my mistake. She was in delhi for few days for some university stuffs with dad. During that time my emotional dialogues made her very uncomfortable as after making it clear that she wont ever get into a life long bond with me but I have been pushing her without noticing any motion into my heart. When things got par saturation point she very clearly and straight forward messaged me that she would prefer not to stay in touch anymore if I continue blackmailing her emotionally. This was the last message from her side which really hurt me and I promised not to disturb her anymore. It was very tough for me to hold on to this decision but perhaps I am not that suave so that she can bear me. she deactivated her facebook account and whenever I logged in I would click on message icon and the latest message was hers saying or rather warning me. her name was without a display picture and link as I told she deactivated her account. Everytime I checked mine inspite of knowing that she is not here and her message was the same everytime. I always clicked on her name which was just name without any link. My pointer would move towards as if something has attracted it towards her name. I was no way via any medium in her contact. Her messages and deactivating of account gave me clear vibes that she want to part ways as old mates as well. I alwaz had a misconception that things will be on track someday. While she was in contact I felt sort of secured and whatever worse may come I can look upto her though not practically but someone’s presence in your life gives you a certain power and she did that.
Days were long and longer longest you can say. She was never bothered to get back to me and I was very much depressed those days. I couldnot get in terms with her absence. I had paid a lot with my loneliness and tears in all those months when I needed her most but realized late. There was nothing that could bind me with. This time her absence was so haunting that world seemed to be really over for me. she was in delhi and I was depressed here and recalling those days when we were atleast in touch. In due course I lost my cell when I went on a bike rally sponsored by yamha and NIM uttarkashi. Things messed up like anything after that.
It was 20th December when as always I inspite of knowing she has deactivated her account I peeped through my inbox and the view of latest unread message was by the side of a pic were the face was shining and smile unaffordable and mesmerizing. There I got you lady. Her message was about ego or what as she thought why this guy dint bothered to talk to me as her number was with me. soon I made her understand and then she buzzed me and I got her number. I bugged her head with those dialogues revealing that my love for her dint dipped down in her absence. Touchwood we have developed a close mutual understanding this time with each other taking care of feelings. Now for the first time I got the vibe that I am of lil importance to her; be it no love and something else. I can complain now and she don’t mind that rather tries to make me feel that she is very much concerned for me. I can share anything and everything with her and she gives a ear without interrupting. She has been now very much open to me when it comes to rely on someone close.
Few texts of her are so speial for me that whole day atleast once I go through those and close my eyes. I just try to imagine and create my air castles as what she would be thinking while writing this; will she ever run and hug me?? and many other stuffs. Her messages revealed many things as of what I mean to her?? She misses me; she want me by her side always so that she can speak her heart; she at times minds when the gap between our messages and calls extend longer and her reaction to those makes me go dance whole day. It really feels nice when you come to know that inspite of not being present around someone they are somehow concerned for you!!
SPECIAL EFFECTS:
Mere kuch armaan tumhare paas pade hain;
Wo har aati jaati saans mein tumhari madhosh karne wali mehak aaj bhi lipti hui hai;
Wo mere ungliyon mein tumhare bheege zulfon ki nami abhi bhi subah ke oosshh ki tarah taaza hai;
Wo chandd shabd tumhare jinhone mere kadam tumhare dar pe baandh diye the aaj wo nashtar ban ke hume kishton mein dafna rahe hain;
Jalati hai wo sukhee patton ki bebasi jo kabhi hamare sulagte jism pe barashte hue jal ke aks bante the;
Barshat to ab bhi rahi hai hare k ashq tumhare naam ki;
Kya paaya unhone mere raqeebon se dil laga kar, unki duniya basa kar unke subhahon ko madhosh raaton ko sarghosh bana kar???
Mere wafaa ki bazaar me boli laga kar???
Kuch yaadein ashkon ko saath lekar aati hain aur jab aati hain to ek aansoo ka sailaab, dard, tadap, sapney, vaade, kasmein, wo bheege hue pal ek aakhiri dafa marte waqt aankhon ke samne chalne lagte hain aur phir aankhein band hote hote apne andar wo saari yaadein samet leti hain aur simat jata hai ek aur shaqs; simat jaati hai uske saare khwaab, bujh jaati hai umeed ki luau jo aankhein khulne se lekar band karne tak jalaye rakha tha;
Ye lo aaj ek aur insaan ne muhabbat ko badnaam kar diya, un andheri madhosh raaton mein hothon ki garmi se hue daag ko aaj usne sar-e-aam kar diya, badnaam kar diya!!
Kuch yun tabahi ka manzarr aaya us shaam ki ek tinke ko chhodkar, sanjoye hue yaadon ki baaraat ko veeran kar diya;
Kisi ke vaadon mein hum yun uljhe ki khud ko hi gumnaam kar diya,
Unhone hamare wafa ke lahoo se rachhkar mehandi un hi haathon se aakhiri salaam kar diya;
Aaj phir kisi toote dil ne muhabbat ko badnaam kar diya, sar-e-aam kar diya!!!
Jab bhi tanha hua tujhko dekha hai,
Shaam ki parchaiyon mein tujhko dekha hai;
Surmaii raaton mein tujhko dekha hai,
Raat ke khwaabon mein tujhko dekha hai;
Har shayyyaa mein tujhko dekha hai,
Maine khud mein bhi tujhko dekha hai;
Zameen se aakash tak tujhko dekha hai;
Apne hare k ehsaas mein tujhko dekha hai,
Jahaan mein aur bhi bahut kuch hai magar;
Maine sirf aur sirf tujhe dekha hai..
According to her everything lost that very night but she could not hate me till long; she told that she was in a unstable state for 2 months and slowly came with her life on track. Then its been almost half a decade and still why the hell she say that she couldnot love me after that night. She says that she got no one in her life after that diwali night and even ready to get married to someone she will be familiar with in installments.
I go weak while talking to her pictures. Life has traumatized me on regular intervals.
Apru why are you stubborn with this that you cant love and live with me?? you say I am no way a bad person and honey I am ready to compromise. I have always been deprived of awesome moments throughout I remember. It started with apru’s exit and after a decade also nothing is changed with the scenario. Everything I needed started slipping making me pray and hope for a better sunrise which has not yet seen the daylight.
Dil-e-nadan kuch kehna chahta hai,
Baat mehfil me keh deta tha kabhi hass kar,
Aaj baat gham ki hai to chup rehna chahta hai,
apne bikhre dil ko dhundhna chahta hai,
Iss dil par beeti wo kahaani, kuch nayi- kuch purani,
kuch jaani-anjaani, jo chahi bhulani,
aaj suna dena chahta hai,
aaj ye dil yaaron kuch keh dena chahta hai….
I have no one to complain certain things and feel secured as well. she never revealed in school atleast about her love but we shared same section in 7 and 8 so there were many instances were I got some vibes regarding me. now she reveals some startling facts which no way soothes me but push me much inside the depression arena. She has been spending quite some revealing the truths and facts phase. According to her there were not a single day she missed me. right from class 7 when she saw me first time she was like “he is the one” and her caring ways were so mysterious that throughout she never passed a smile to me and she claims to be madly in love with me. though after class 8 we had different sections and class 9 was the first step towards maintaining a long distance. Whenever she saw or heard that abhi is with some girl she was broken and traumatized but never said. She seemed to be the second lady after mumaa so much concerned and that too without telling and showing. O agree that after class 8 we had lack of communication and started taking our bond for granted. Till last day we couldntremove the long distance and finally in 2003 a saga ends making few eyes filled with tears and few with regrets. She had both in her eyes. Her character was su ch that no guy could go and talk to her. Her love for me is a bonus and why the hell she was loving me never came on my lips coz I dint know till school. Though she is equally culprit…
BusEkMusafir 