D LONGEST DRIVE OF MY LIFE:
finally i can move to cloud nine for which i have waited uncountable nights planning. lets go from head to toe and from it all started for me.while back in college we had to go to 60 kms bu bus to board our train to home and that was through state highway single road. we had to board our train from a place palasa which was a small station but of huge importance to the link of north east and south india.on the outskirts of palasa u wud find along the national highway connecting eastern states to the southern india. alwaz buzing wd traffic and very busy. i alwaz dreamed of driving my fav SUV wod my lady sitting next to me and then sorry for interruption but i used to get lost in my own world, i alwaz shared dis fantasy wd my lady and she alwaz said that its imposible for her to come wd me on a week holiday but i dint gave up and kept on forcing her only to get her nodd one day.
she knew dat her parents wud not allow her but she lied to he rparents to fulfill my wishes n dat was my last and first wish i made to her and i dont know wat made her turn my dream into reality?? she lied at home about convocation ceremony and this was something no parent wud ask her ward to skip and she was no exception.bingo! though her dad asked to come wd her but she told that she is wd her friend and wat will her dad do among all d gurls as she was part of a girls college during her graduation academics.even i handed her a ticket of jodhpur howrah train showing all d details as to make her parents feel relax,she also told them that her frnds wud join her at sasaram. i was on constant touch wd her and according to our plan she had to deboard at dehri-on-sone which was an hour journey rom gaya.around 7 am she waas waiting for me at station in dehri and i wanted her to wait for and see her reaction and i jus wanted to see her degree of insecurity when i m nt around her. i cud see her eyes searching for a familiar face all around in d vicinity and as time passed i cud sense her heavy breathng and then i jumped and appeared only to welcome by some red eyes and tears hanging on d edge to roll down.
i honestly wanted to run n hug her in my arms to make her feel secure but she is still someone who cant reveal her passionate concernt for somebody among the strangers and dis made her stand out of the crowd.i cud hardly resist taking her in my arms and making her feel my warmth.though thr was no need to take a nap and shower before moving ahead but i jus wanted to be more into her world so i booked 2 rooms in a nearby hotel and when she told that she cudnt go in a hotel. offcourse no one knows her but dats the difference between her and rest of d gurls. i assured her that we only got to take shower and take a short nap before moving ahead.after we wrapped up pre-preparton leg i waited for her at the reception only to get my mouth wide open till she dint notice me. i dnt remember each beautiful gurls face but dis one i willl never forget for sure. she was wearing a light green herum wid a chequr shirt ot kurta wd hairs playing the perfect add on.she was stunning and i was out of dis world and it took me a while to notice the public place. dat instant evrythng seemed to halt and give me full access to her aura and essence. as usual like its common sight in our country that if a gurl is a lil bit sober by her looks then u cant count d heads she wud turn. its really awesum to say that the gurl i love is d most beautiful and no one can argue over dis as those people are special for us and cant afford to hear sumthng against them. i am not the only person who goees ga-ga over her appearance. each time and each day i am falling deeper n deeper for her.each ticking hand is penetrating me more into her world. when our eyes and soul makes someone so special that we learn to discard everythng for them.
it was my toyota fortunner which was shining as i everyday spent few hours cleaning n polishing d white giant. BR2Q-0003 is the number it goes by with white stunning shine. i have alwaz been fascinated by the SUV\’s and this is something people drool over. it was perfect scene for a ladyinside the cockpit wd no left over smell of my marlboros and happydents rather i cud see her trying to feedback the scent she was about to get used to. my fortu was fortunate enuf to recieve compliments from my lady. it was ghulam ali saab making the scenarion inside wd her presence toxicated and i cud see her nodding her head and appreciating my choice of number perfect for d moment.i was still not able to believe that she is only wid me and only i cud see her smile,laugh,sleep,talk and no one else. it was d best example of possesiveness.
may be it was the scenario which made her untie her long hairs which made me smile, yeah wicked one. she replaced her wrist wd d hairs wrapped by hairband. now i was staring wd mouth open as if this is d first time i am seeing some gurl do dat. yeah it was and she noticed my stare and cudnt avoid the expression which shows still indian women y r considered stick to their soil. she was looking at her palm wd eyelashes helping in dis. oh!! those untied long hair, that angel who wud even surpass the beauty of greek godesses, wat else i cud have asked almighty?? she knew why i was staring at her like dis and she knew but wanted to hear about her beauty and i had full vocab of adjectives ready to rush on d tip of my tongue. now she pulled my ears whch gave me goose bumps and asked me to drive properly. how can one drive like dis when wat u wud ask for is not to set the world in ur feet but just a few moments wid het.she was sitting wd her legs on d seat wd ease which i wanted to say her. i jus wanted to make her feel comfortable n feel secure.
i dont know why she came wd me?? she knows i love her and i dont know that she loves me or wat but still somethng was there sort of natural power as a barrier between us. it was 2001 when last time i touched her hands and its been more than a decade my fingers felt her. i was like sleeping wd my head in her lap and looking at two moons at a time, the nearer being the most beautiful.i wished dis journey be never come to a halt. i was alwaz making my hands placed constantly on the gear jnob and tapping the top only to bring her attention to dat so that she might unstand my intentions and come press my hand making me content. though she had nothng of dat sort as she hardly loooked thr and kept on looking outside and pointing sumthng peculiar. now she was looking at me with her body turned towards me wid her legs on the seat.her hairs making the perfect background similar to black clouds make for the moon. i dint wantd to look at the road n drive as she was alwaz turning me left and i was bound to get attracted towards her.
those three magical words were finally into her years and for the first time she dint reacted to it but turned her head other side.any comments??? all she cud say was,\” u alwaz knew my answer to dis\”. i was now pacing the accelerator pad and wanted to show her that i am angry and reacting to the moment whch is not in my favour. she started feeling sleepy and i reduced the volume to 10 and i cud see her face responding to the comfortable zone i arranged for her. she alwaz spoke so much and sarcastically on phone but when we r face to face there is nothing much to say. its nothing curious for me when she says every now and then about making me unstand the usual distance.
i could only stare at her while she was cuddled in the seat next to me and her hairs waving slightly wd d air from blower. her thousand expressions wd d falling rays on her face and then rays scanned through the leaves and comin on her face. and again back to her smiling loving ways. i dint want her to wake up until she is done with the restlessness. i was taking care that neither i honk too much nor drive rashly only to wake her up and then offcourse i cudnt stare at her the way while she was sleeping. time is immortal as they say and u cant put it to halt and it can never get back to d same spot it came across. i wanted everythng against the law of nature. i cud never look into her eyes and i dint had dat much of guts to stare wid deep penetration in her eyes and make her unstand wat n why dis heart of mine beats for??
we jus crossed allahabad and its a breezy evening here and we r no way gonna lodge night here wereas i wud settle for kanpur in few hours. it was now dark and lights were on. all the heave vehicles plying on d road shud be made compulsion to use the dipper at night and if u dint do then there shud be some provisions to tackle these. wid each passing vehicle light from d front she was taking a sigh of relief and at tyms when the powerful rays hit her eyes i wud start abusing them and she wd red eyes wud warn me to get this right for d last time and each tym she did and i too did coz i loved her concerns for my mistakes and her rectifyng flaws and it gave me a sense of security that ya she is thr to be by my side n check me. it doesnt give me a vibe of possesiveness in anyway and at tyms she wud say its ur life do wateva u want and this wwwud make me feel down and lonely. i cud never stand aloof of her and wateva i did or thot was somewere connected to her and influenced by her perception about me. i knew thr will be no hindi movie the-end for me but i wish i wud b a character alwaz applauded at d end of day for \”happily ever after\” endings wd clapping all around.
it was d bang on when i wokeup and found myself in a small clinic. there were few people all around me staring at me wid loads of question in their mind. i cud see my condition as it was blood all over wid bandaids patch work from head to toe. after i failed to convince her for cuming wd me as she was bold enuf and clear enuf that she is no way anythng other than friend and if i keep on doing stupid thngs like treating her as my life partner in messages and texts then she wud delete me from her friends list. i did ask her sum stupid questions only to burst her out wid anger at me and y d helll she wud answer to me??? this is d thng i was not able to get into my head since long. she alwaz said this but i thot pious feelings n love can change d moulds and it was not d same sort of reaction dis time.it was strong n strict enugh to tell me dat she no more can take my antiques so better go easy or change d path. paths are chosen keeping in mind the destination in sight but this whole life dats the only thing i cudnt make out. she will be alwaz my first and last wish wheneva i look to almighty wd hopes in my eyes and hands trying to trap his virtual blesssings.
life is all about moving on, chak de!! but but but wat if life no more wants to change the size n shape of shadow it forms. why i shud take all these tantrums of life when i have alwaz been either gud or bad..she is not here wd me but i dream only of hers.she hates me like she hates people who have ditched her. but i know my words cant comfort her on a bond front and i will alwaz regret this dat i cudnt raise my bar to the level she wud appreciate. its actually something like we are not in that much touch sort of thing so that i could really convince her in anyway but i know love is all about wat u feel for d person thr on d opposite side of the bank and no force is applicable here in any way. i dont wanna give airs to her problems and dont wanna be a reason to her woes and anythng which is not accepted. she alwaz feels wateva i say as dialogues but how to make her unstand that its simple like a fragnance in rose.
if she thinks that i am gonna give up then excuse me u got to change the way u think and then jus wait n watch. in no way i am, gonna give up wandering all around her and even feel her aura all around. she has been thru many tough times wd loads of ups n downs but i was no were in d scene that tym or wud have made thngs work according to her.
I still remember the initial days of my degree course when I left my place and wd loads of dreams and hopes I started a journey which was alwaz the only wish and expectation of my parents since they saw me step on dis earth. That was 2007 d year which decided my destiny and fate. Some of the happening moments of my life took place that year influencing in a positive as well as negative manner. Losses cudnt get transformed till date for good and all what I gained was not fruitful and still so. May be my clever decisions and not emotional perception would have made things different today and that’s for good.
It was april and I along with my friend anand who also was my tenant who shared the single room set with baban bhaiya who was a nice guy but I wud say selfish according to my point of view. Me and anand were on the way for Mumbai by hwh-mum mail when a lightning struck me devastating my whole clan and specially maternals. “pappumama” who was d most educated and disciplined and full of principles man was no more. From ash to phoenix he rised and helped others rise. His son was 6 months and daughter 2 yrs when he left us. He was the country manager of Nepal in aristo and later state divisional officer in mankind for bihar and Jharkhand.,most loved and sought among who all knew him. Its difficult to trace even a single small flaw in that man, not coz after dying we show sympathy to them but god knows.
It was mughalsarai around 9am when I thot to talk to dad and inform him abt my well being. I was in toilet when got a call from my cousins asking me were I am and when I told on my way to Mumbai then they hung saying talk to me later. I thought it was jus a random call and dint think much. When I called dad someone else picked the call and when I introduced my dad took the call and while crying I heard the worst news of my life till date. A truck ran over him and one more guy while they were on bike but by gods grace the other guy after few days in hospital was back to job. It was in dumka and that very day destroyed dreams and future of many of us. He had high hopes with me and he cudnt see me going to a engineering college as it was april and I went college in august. He was not with me but I determined that may be someday I would offer a better lifestyle to his kids. I have lived with him and shared a lot with his kids and I was right there present at the birth of his son so I was very much attached to them. His wife mamijee too alwaz had hopes but she deserves a patt on her back for the courage she has showed and she is on right track with her kids and she don’t need anyone to show sympathy with her and practically this is true. Both kids are now in patna in good school though they are still in kindergarten but they are on very right track. I don’t know what all the future will show but I wish I cud do something least for them.
When people leave us behind someday shattered and drowned in tears then we too someday not forget but as we get busy with the time their memories fade away and we learn to live without them with no complains wat so ever.with hopes touching the sky I was all set to start my professional life and my dad gave his best shot to get me the best launch pad possible. That time I was not alone, I had memories and a lady waiting behind who cudnt agree with this parting ways of ours. I met her in august and we hardly were together for 2 weeks when I had to leave for college and this made her sad.she banked on me in just ten days that she started crying in my absence and I thanked god for such a wonderful partner. I felt lucky and content. But time shows you every sort of shadows and welcomed me with some events which was not coincident rather planned somewere.
It was just 2 months of our relationship when she came in my life. She is the gurl who loved me the most after my parents and my soul knows that. She was a gurl full of ideology and principles but just to be with me she gave a shit to all those things. She was very strict and very rude but she changed for me and that took me by surprise. A gurl famous for being hardwater throughout her academics was now falling for a guy and that was when I realized how much she loves me?? she was alwaz ready to change herself from any view just for me and that was the toughest moment life showed me. one lady was wid me when I was alone and came college and another was the oldest friend of mine and she came back after 5 yrs in my life, I was devastated as I dint wanted to loose anyone among them. I took this for granted and to be honest went on with both till diwali same year when one of my closest buddy made me unstand that whatever I was doing was not fair.actually I needed time to figure out the right direction of my beats waves and to be honest I was not that strong and honest to do that immediately.the lady waiting back at home for me was getting closer to me and there were many moments we had to compromise,infact I dint want her to do that so it was alwaz my call to adjust my world according to her and see that in this materialistic world our love too is not tagged as materialistic.for her there ought to be a proof everytime of my love for her.be it chatting over phone till she sleeps or making her aware of each and everything I did. I also had issues with her net friend who was from Mumbai and due to him we alwaz had issues and finally dat guy stepped back and she too for my sake stopped being in touch wid him, only to get into a much stronger bond later on.but that is completely different story. I alwaz had this conflict within to prove myself how much she means to me and what all I can do for her and how??? Simply u got to display ur feelings on a large screen to assure her my commitment and this alwaz created a problem but that’s what life is all about for everyone. No doubt I loved her like anything and dint wanted to wait a single second after am free from college to meet her.
She came back with a bang after 5 years and I was like wow!! As I mentioned she was the gurl who loved me without conditions and never wanted me to compromise as this was her role.she was so smooth going that she never had any conditions, swears or wateva to prove her bond and this was the best thing about her. In dis materialistic world she was still very practical and I needn’t mention how much she owed me.it was she who was supposed to get angry,avoid me and kisses, take for granted and all the antiques gurls have but it was the other way. For me she from very first day started compromising and changing herself to my terms which we rarely see or hear a gurl doing. This is enough to tell the world how much she was attached to me inspite of thousands of miles between our steps and 1500 sunsets and sunrises we cudnt share was enough void created to forget each other. She used to ask what I want not the other way and I took advantage of her love by playing emotionally with her.she just wanted to be wid me and nothing else but at times I was very rude with her but she never complained. For me she stopped talking to her school friend who once used to be my buddy. Ashish had nokia 7610 cellphone and she used to call on that and never complained of low balance as that time calls were not so cheap with attractive plans and that too it was inter-state. She was that time in blore wid her friend for internship. Amitesh my closest chuddy buddy though wanted me to be loyal but now I realize when my world was blown away and me standing alone in an arid desert without a trace of life, that truth doesn’t triumphs alwaz. That fine evening a day or two before diwali I was about to confess with both ladies knowing the consequences that I might loose her or that would weaken our bond. But I don’t know what to say about the confession as it was honest and most suitable thing to do at that point or I should not have obeyed wateva amy asked me to.this guy never ever wanted anyone to go down in life and still he gives his best shot to bring things to track, be it anyone concerned to him.i got a guardian in him as I knew and all friends knew that wateva he will suggest or say is ethically correct coz he never uttered nuisance and back bitching. This quality of his still make him stand out in the crowd. So, I knew he wanted me to be nice and loyal with them and as they say its not alwaz fruitful to sail in two boats. I could only remember she was begging and crying to me to stay with her and gave me options regarding wateva I will say she will do. It was diwali night I shattered her dreams and left her crying and hurting herself.she was admitted in hospital as she cut her veins after that.her roomie cudnt believe that a gurl like her can do this for a guy who gave her perhaps the biggest blow of life. That was turning point for her life and mine happiness. My happiness turned on d verge of pains and tears and her life got back on track with her determination and I salute her for that. After that fateful diwali night she never ever tried to contact me or know about me by mistake also. Now it was the real tantrum now to bring my love to my terms which amy did for me. gurls are very delicate to handle truths and she was devastated perhaps and stopped talking only to get into again after a week with amy doing the patch work.
She couldn’t forgive me for wateva I did on diwali night with her and as I mentioned she was very very nice human being full of principles and idols. She once made herself unstand of anything then no supernatural power even can make her go reverse. When I was all alone and had nothing to cheer in life I started tracing her. So selfish I was that I hate myself for this till date. I ruined my life looking into the mirror and went on doing till the image dint get into pixel form.i was on d brink of finishing my life when I traced her but after messaging and mailing her she dint even bothered to revert and I could never get to know what she exactly think of me now. Through her college mates I tried to reach her many times and my messages too reached her but as I told how much determined her thoughts are. That was very shaky phase of my life when a lil bit of setback could finish me off and I cant express in words how much I needed her to be thr by my side. But I was being punished for what I did with her once and how much she paid for loving me, god was very fair with her. I agree I deserved that phase. Time is so strong that it brings you right there were you made someone once suffer.i had no one by my side to give a shoulder or even show sympathy to me.hours I used to sit in dark with smoke all around and think of her and I started hating myself and hurting myself. I couldnot make it out the correct one for my life is not something glittering and shining but it can be anything which soothes ur soul. That mistake done 5 yrs back is still haunting my life and will keep on haunting till I m nt dead. I betrayed someone’s true love and god is very fair and no way partial, he made me pay for that which is still counting till date. Perhaps these words here are coz of the mistake I committed back then. When u r filled wid guilt and pain wid tears u need somebody to share a fraction of those to subsidize the trauma and what if no one is there to share??? Then is when these words come to rescue and look I got so many or handful only to share the trauma. I don’t know and haven’t yet thought that is sharing so effective??? Obviously it doesn’t bring things on track but it tells others about the path u have been through in due course. I guess its something insuring your memories and yaadein. Very few are though insured which at any given time in future floats in ur mind and have been a major catalyst to change the scenes for you.
As they say, almighty is always fair and its true: we just need to react at the moment when he drops our moment. Its we who got to grabb the scene and some really do and some cudnt make it at the right time.am a living example . there is no single work which is not risky!! Some get through the edges and others too get through but on the other side.spiritually, speaking; its been our good deeds perhaps that we are here as human. But who knows?? I cant go for doing good deeds just coz I wanna be a great man in my next birth. Who is bothered about the happiness or pain or tears once he or she is no more here??? Life is no way like dates and months and weeks which will keep on getting back and back so that you got to rectify ur mistakes. Its like gone with the wind only to move ahead and dude clock hands never look back!! I have brutally wasted my life and realized when in no way I could get there again to mend things. I was blessed with some jubilious moments but certain things are so special that u got to work a lot for them. I know dat my life has been somewat like “jannat” if if and only if…it was such a drastic turnaround of events for me that I was never used to take things in bulk which wud for sure affect ur life either ways. I wont be able to get back to terms sooner or lately. Its been the biggest and a huge loss for me. no one is responsible for anything which happened to me rather it was me and only me who made the clouds rain.
BusEkMusafir 